My favourate web site for the past several years has been Aish.com, the web site for Aish Ha'Torah, what I would call a Jewish "in-reach" organization.
Doing some pre-Rosh Ha'Shana reading there before the new year, I came across a quote from Rabbi Avigdor Nebanzahl. He says "if the Jewish people would cry tears of repentance on Rosh Hashana, when all the occurrences of the subsequent year are determined, we would not have to cry tears of grief throughout the year."
The past 2 years have been filled with many tears of grief for me and my family. The big ones being the passing of my grandmother, a cancer scare with my brother and my wife and I having 2 miscarriages. My faith and my Jewish community has been a huge support for me, but despite my best efforts I still find myself asking "why". This line from Rabbi Nebanzahl really hit home for me.
I went into the High Holidays this year with this as my mindset and the holidays were the most spiritual and moving I have ever experienced (not to mention the fast was the easiest it has ever been - I was so deeply engrossed in my spiritual side that I forgot my physical side was hungry). For the first time the notion of Teshuva was real to me, not just a motion we're suppose to go through at this time of year.
During the "Al Chet" I found myself not just mouthing the words, but actually asking myself what have I done this past year which would be a sin of hardening of the heart, or through though or speech or bribery... For the first time I was actually repenting for specific mistakes, not just generalities.
I know this process made me a better person, and G-d willing it will save some tears of grief for the upcoming year.
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