To Kippah or Not To Kippah

When one starts the process of becoming a Bal Tesuvah (someone who was raised non religious, and decides to return to traditional Judaism), there are two paths one can take. You can outwardly transform yourself overnight and immediately start keeping all the observances, even though they will be meaningless to you at first, and then grow into the meaning. Or you can take it slow, and learn about the observances and start doing them at the same time.

I’m on the second path, mostly because I never really made a conscious decision to do this; it has been a natural consequence of my learning. But I’ve now reached that point where I need to make a decision about the boldest and most visually apparent Jewish observance. Do I start to wear a kippah at all times?

Wearing a kippah makes a bold statement. You’re identifying yourself to the world as an observant Jew. There are responsibilities that come with that. Suddenly you actions will reflect on the entire Jewish people. I know that I’m not quite ready for that yet. I still will go and eat at a non-kosher restaurant (but eat vegetarian), I’m not completely Shommer Shabbas (but getting there). And to see a kippah wearing Jew eating at the Pickle Barrel is not the right message that I want to send.

But on the other side, I’m running into difficulties in my tesuvah because I’m not wearing kippah. Even those who don’t feel there is a religious obligation to cover your head at all times (and in fact the requirement to do so is just a custom, not a commandment) agree that it is a requirement to wear one when performing rituals. I have been trying to perform more of the regular rituals of the day; saying blessings before and after eating, ritually washing before eating bread, saying the afternoon prayers… but you can’t do these without a kippah. So I need to keep a kippah with me at all times, and pop it on and off when needed. I wonder if that had something to do with why wearing it at all times became the custom – it’s just easier.

While I continue to struggle with this issue, I suspect that it’s just a matter of time before I start to proudly wear a kippah at all times. There are certainly social implications that go with all that, so I’m sure I’ll talk about this more when I’m closer to making that decision.